A Torn Soul

I know how crazy I can sound. I get it. Its extreme the things I want to do to make the world a better place. The things I want to do to show people that they can exist on less and can be happy that way as well. It's hard for most people to fathom, the idea of giving up the things, the gadgets, the luxuries and having to truly work hard to survive.

For me being a part of a world filled with those luxuries makes my skin crawl. At the same time I enjoy some of those luxuries. It tears me in two. I feel like a hypocrite. I can I post articles about saving energy, fuel efficiency, eating locally and organically when I can't always follow what I'm asking of others?

I drive a Suburban. People who casually know me see that car but read what I post and they think that is a reason not to take me seriously. They'll make remarks (funny ones) about the hippie with the Suburban. But what people don't see is how little I drive it. How I plan my trips in it around other things I need to do, so I'm not running here coming home, running there coming home etc. The gas hike really hasn't affected me driving my gas guzzler. It has affected us because my husband commutes a pretty good distance for his job each day and that's where it hurts.

There's nothing like being gone in the evening and coming home to find every light on. It chaps my hide! So I walk through the house and turn off lights all the while explaining why it's important to shut them off when we aren't in the room. The speech I heard years ago about my parents not owning the electric company is no longer viable. The speech now has to do with our energy consumption and why it's important to conserve. This speech also goes right in one ear and out the other with my older kids. Different speech....same reaction.

Another energy sapping entity in our house....clothes. We have so many clothes in this house that I get backed up when I hang the clothes and don't use the dryer. Who am I kidding I get backed up with the dryer. I use it especially in the winter. But I don't need to. But it's a matter of people downsizing their wardrobes. I did it to mine and I'm working on the younger two. But getting the hubby and the older kids to whittle down their wardrobe is no easy task. But I'm working on it.

I eat as locally as possible whenever possible. Funny thing is we live in a place that has magnificent soil and growing climate. Winters can be wonky but spring and summer are divine and the root crops and winter greens grow abundantly here. But when winter time comes unless you have your own garden, finding locally grown potatoes and veggies is nearly impossible. Even the local CSAs stop delivering for winter. So I spend a lot of time scouring through the local markets looking for local produce. What gets me is I stay away from the typical summer crops knowing they cannot be local in the winter here. So I'm picking up cabbages and spinach and chard. I'm reading the labels on the winter squashes and I'm finding it's all imported from other states and even other countries? Why? Even our farmer's market closes for the winter. I get that they don't particularly like being out in the rain and cold. I wouldn't either. I just wish we could find a nice indoor space for them to be during the winter.

Here's the other problem. I shop farmer's market every week and I love the abundance of produce, but when I talk to the farmers I find that many of them do not grow organically. Even if they aren't certified organic, if they follow organic practices of no herbicide and no pesticide I'll buy from them. At least they are honest, but I'm certainly not going to haul off a huge bunch of beats from someone who doesn't practice organic farming. I had to stop buying my strawberries at the market. Both producers who show up week after week use "conventional" farming practices. That means those lovely red berries are filled with pollutants. I'm all for supporting agriculture, not that type of agriculture.

My biggest downfall is my coffee (and internet). Even if it's roasted and distributed locally it has to travel to get to the roaster. We don't grow coffee here in the US and certainly not in our state. Eventually I will have to cut back and bring it to a halt. I know this. I also love Parmesan cheese and the exotic spices. All of them imported. You never even notice how many things you buy that are not locally grown until you really start reading your labels.

The other thing I really do my best to stay away from is GMOs. I'm better at this one than others. I think my utter disgust of biotechnology and the way these giant companies treat humans spurs me on to constantly read labels. I go to web sites to see what things I need to stay away from. You'd be really surprised the amount of GMOs people eat everyday without even knowing it.

Meat! I grew up a meat and potatoes gal. Butter? Nah....give us that manufactured yellow shit that looks like butter. Fresh veggies? Nah....canned. The fake butter and canned veggies were easy to give up. I still eat some canned beans. But giving up meat has been hard. I slip still, but very rarely. Our friend brought pizza over for dinner last week to thank us for babysitting for them. Both had meat. I ate it. Its not that I haven't found some amazing vegetarian recipes and not just veggies over rice or something. I'm a good cook and I can say that without feeling like I'm bragging. It's just something that comes naturally to me. I don't draw, I am not a seamstress, I don't play an instrument. I cook. Coming up with vegetarian dishes without always feeling like I have to add the fake meat products has been quite easy. But it's the fact that I loved meat so much. Everyday I find myself more and more disgusted by it when I don't know where it came from. I ate a few chicken wings the other day and when I finished I felt ill. I hadn't eaten a single bit of meat in over a week. It just didn't settle right in my brain or my belly.

I'm trying to do what I can, but I know it's not enough. Everyone knows I really don't care what people think of me. I haven't for a very long time. I am weird. My hope and dream is to take this way of life we live and turn it completely wonky and start living the way I know we should. Reliant on ourselves, or instincts and our knowledge. Relying on our ability to break free of this petroleum dominated world and live off of resources we can produce over and over leaving the land and the world better than the day before. I know many people do not want to take a step back or many steps back and say, "Wow, I can actually live without this or that and I'm actually happier without it." But, I find it selfish to sit here and consume, pollute, rape the earth of resources so we can have bigger, better, faster, more now when the world we are leaving for our families that come after us will be worse off for it. How can we sit here and look into the eyes of our children and think of the possibility of our Grandchildren and not want to make this planet a better place for them? Ipads, computers, televisions, appliances etc etc. Savagely mined dank holes in the ground, forests completely gone and unable to be replanted, rivers that no longer run thick with fish, entire ecosystems gone, animal extinction at a rate faster than any other time in history. That's is what our families are looking at in the future because its what we are seeing now. What kind of world is that to live in when you can try to make a difference?

Let me also touch on the social side of all of this. If you think you are a truly caring human being. Love is the key etc. etc. But you also walk around and talk about how good capitalism is and how good consumerism is you need to look deeper into your soul. Capitalism, in my opinion, is people and corporations standing on the backs of others to get to the top. If you buy products that are from China, Indonesia, Bangladesh etc etc chances are the people who produced those products are underpaid, poverty stricken and abused. But that's a nice shirt you have there! You're a caring person, but do you even think about the people who produce your "stuff"? Even food grown in the US has a social price. Everything does.

I wish I could say I was perfect in all of my choices. I certainly am not. But everyday I am doing what I can to change. I am doing what I can to bring my family on a journey to be more passionate about our earth and to remember that people shouldn't have to die for us to wear clothing or eat food. Going to extremes isn't always the key, but I think in some situations addicts need to be cut off from the drug and go through the withdrawals to come out on the other side free of it. I'm scared to death of leaving all of the technology behind....well, most of it. I'm afraid of what is on the other side. But, I'm also so excited to discover my family again and to be unhindered by my need to use technology for just about everything. It truly is a torn soul I am hoping to make whole again.